The dates are being fixed. I have probably never seen my parents this happy. Their is shopping to do. And venue to pick. Clothes to buy. Jewelry to re-fashion. And me to lose weight. There is the menu to decide. And who to invite. There is Mama constantly worrying and there is Papa who is sitting abroad and giving us advice. There is my Grandmama who is threatening me to get my nose pierced, which I have gotten done and it now hurts like a bitch. There is my brother who is just trying to hold the family together, so that no one has a break down. There is *him* who is asking me where I want to go for my honeymoon.
AND I STILL DON’T HAVE THE BUTTERFLIES. And I am just being a brat.
Am I that bad of a person? That horrible? I am cursed.
Will someone just hand me the incentive/desire/encouragement/inclination to write? This could make me or break me.
I want to die. Like so bad. Kill me.
I thought after everything, maybe everything will be good. Calm. Better.
But things just took a worse toll.
I need payers. I need a way out.
Suicidal thoughts. What is wrong with me?
“There are two kind of relationships in this world. One is God-made. Like you and me. You are my daughter and nothing can ever change. I will always love you, no matter what. Then there is this other kind of relationship, which are made on Earth. Like your mother and I. Now that is a relationship where you have to work to make it happen. It can be forever or as weak as a frayed string, one pull and you are all alone. Patience is important in that relationship but so is love. Be patient and love him. I am proud of you.”
I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY. I AM HAPPY.
You be the best. Always.
Its done. No way out.
Now I pray and go with the flow.